1 00:00:13,037 --> 00:00:16,692 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,692 --> 00:00:19,957 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:23,569 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,569 --> 00:00:25,963 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:32,056 --> 00:00:34,014 Oh, yeah. And when Ice Cube punches Deebo. 6 00:00:34,232 --> 00:00:36,930 And then Smokey says, "You got knocked the fuck out, man." 7 00:00:37,148 --> 00:00:38,279 No, no, no, no. Actually, it was more like, 8 00:00:38,279 --> 00:00:39,977 "You got knocked the fuck out, man!" 9 00:00:40,194 --> 00:00:41,369 Oh, yeah. No, it's more like, 10 00:00:41,369 --> 00:00:43,197 "You got knocked the fuck out, man! 11 00:00:43,415 --> 00:00:46,331 The mid '90s truly are the golden age of comedy. 12 00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:48,768 Yeah. Black people are so cool. 13 00:00:48,942 --> 00:00:50,030 Hey! Watch it. 14 00:00:50,248 --> 00:00:52,206 Sorry dinner's so late. 15 00:00:52,424 --> 00:00:54,339 We ran out of ketchup, 16 00:00:54,556 --> 00:00:56,994 so I had to go to six different neighbors 17 00:00:57,211 --> 00:01:00,258 before I finally found enough to cover the meatloaf. 18 00:01:00,475 --> 00:01:01,650 Meatloaf again? 19 00:01:01,650 --> 00:01:03,130 We just had meatloaf two days ago. 20 00:01:03,348 --> 00:01:04,740 I wouldn't do this, 21 00:01:04,740 --> 00:01:06,264 but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now. 22 00:01:06,264 --> 00:01:09,180 I'm sorry. I thought you liked my meatloaf. 23 00:01:09,397 --> 00:01:11,965 Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you guys? 24 00:01:12,357 --> 00:01:13,836 Susan makes dinner for four people 25 00:01:13,836 --> 00:01:15,055 and a bear every night, 26 00:01:15,055 --> 00:01:16,752 and you never even say thank you. 27 00:01:16,752 --> 00:01:18,885 You just sit there and complain. 28 00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:21,235 Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her. 29 00:01:21,453 --> 00:01:22,976 It's okay, Blaire. 30 00:01:23,194 --> 00:01:25,152 Everyone should have what they like. 31 00:01:25,892 --> 00:01:26,980 What do you want instead? 32 00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,068 Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner? 33 00:01:28,286 --> 00:01:29,504 No fuckin' way. 34 00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:30,636 - Aw. - Why not? 35 00:01:30,853 --> 00:01:32,246 Eatin' eggs after noon is gay. 36 00:01:32,464 --> 00:01:34,335 What the fuck are you talking about? 37 00:01:34,335 --> 00:01:35,206 Think about it. 38 00:01:35,423 --> 00:01:36,598 The gays are up all night 39 00:01:36,816 --> 00:01:37,599 doin' stuff to each other, 40 00:01:37,817 --> 00:01:38,644 and they miss breakfast. 41 00:01:38,861 --> 00:01:40,124 So they invent brunch. 42 00:01:40,472 --> 00:01:41,690 They meet up around 11, 43 00:01:41,690 --> 00:01:42,996 they have their fruity little drinks, 44 00:01:43,214 --> 00:01:44,345 they talk about hairstyles 45 00:01:44,345 --> 00:01:45,738 and lotions and whatever the fuck. 46 00:01:45,956 --> 00:01:47,522 And by the time they start eatin' their breakfast, 47 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:48,915 it's after noon. 48 00:01:49,089 --> 00:01:50,090 That's actually a solid theory. 49 00:01:50,308 --> 00:01:51,265 Yeah, I got no notes. 50 00:01:51,483 --> 00:01:53,006 So the exact cutoff time 51 00:01:53,224 --> 00:01:55,313 for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.? 52 00:01:55,313 --> 00:01:57,010 Is that the theory? - Yes. 53 00:01:57,228 --> 00:01:58,185 Oh, that's why McDonald's 54 00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,404 stops serving breakfast at 11. 55 00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:00,927 Right. They don't want guys banging 56 00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:02,189 each other in the bathroom. 57 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:03,495 Pretty sure that happens anyway. 58 00:02:03,712 --> 00:02:05,062 - Oh, dear. - What? 59 00:02:05,279 --> 00:02:08,021 I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure. 60 00:02:08,239 --> 00:02:10,328 No, no, no. Eggs in stuff is okay, 61 00:02:10,545 --> 00:02:12,025 but on their own, gay. 62 00:02:12,243 --> 00:02:14,636 I don't want to take any chances. 63 00:02:14,854 --> 00:02:17,422 Johnny's at a very impressionable age. 64 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,032 Hey, Dad, what happens 65 00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:21,034 if you accidentally eat an egg after noon? 66 00:02:21,252 --> 00:02:22,644 You gotta chase it with a straight food. 67 00:02:22,862 --> 00:02:24,690 - Like what? - Stew. 68 00:02:24,907 --> 00:02:26,170 Oh, my God, 69 00:02:26,387 --> 00:02:28,650 I ate an egg the night I decided I liked girls. 70 00:02:28,868 --> 00:02:31,044 - See? - But I only ate half. 71 00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:33,916 - That's why I go both ways. - Right there. 72 00:02:35,005 --> 00:02:36,397 They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough. 73 00:02:37,137 --> 00:02:39,139 Hey, it's not your fault, Blaire. 74 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:57,940 Teddy, look, it's Sheila Borgwardt. 75 00:02:58,115 --> 00:02:59,725 Fuck! She's got to be the hottest drug dealer 76 00:02:59,942 --> 00:03:01,118 on the planet. 77 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,120 Hey, you know, I just realized something. 78 00:03:03,337 --> 00:03:04,599 - What? - I ain't seen her 79 00:03:04,817 --> 00:03:06,123 since I turned 18. 80 00:03:06,123 --> 00:03:07,080 I'm an adult now. 81 00:03:07,298 --> 00:03:08,908 And adults buy drugs. 82 00:03:09,082 --> 00:03:10,953 That is the main thing they do. Yes. 83 00:03:11,128 --> 00:03:12,825 I, John Bennett, 84 00:03:13,043 --> 00:03:15,175 am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwardt. 85 00:03:15,784 --> 00:03:17,221 How do I look? - Doesn't matter. 86 00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:21,138 Hey, Sheila. 87 00:03:22,226 --> 00:03:24,924 - Hey. - I'm John... Bennett. 88 00:03:25,794 --> 00:03:27,405 We, uh, we met last year, remember? 89 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,102 Um, possibly. 90 00:03:30,408 --> 00:03:33,411 My, uh... my diarrhea is gone. 91 00:03:34,194 --> 00:03:35,761 - Oh. - Yeah. 92 00:03:35,978 --> 00:03:37,415 It's all normal now. 93 00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:39,591 I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever, 94 00:03:39,808 --> 00:03:40,983 and something will happen 95 00:03:40,983 --> 00:03:42,594 but for the most part, I've been solid. 96 00:03:43,725 --> 00:03:46,032 Sheila. Hi, Ted. We've also met. 97 00:03:46,206 --> 00:03:48,382 Listen, John here has recently become a man. 98 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,430 Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way. 99 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:54,954 And he would like to purchase some marijuana from you. 100 00:03:55,259 --> 00:03:58,000 Uh... sure. 101 00:03:58,175 --> 00:03:59,306 How much you want? 102 00:03:59,306 --> 00:04:00,742 Holy shit. Really? 103 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,701 Oh, man. Being an adult rocks. 104 00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:04,877 I got birthday money from Nana and Pop-Pop. 105 00:04:05,095 --> 00:04:07,140 And I want to spend it all. $200. 106 00:04:07,358 --> 00:04:08,968 - Two hundred? - Yeah. 107 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,404 Okay. 108 00:04:17,846 --> 00:04:20,110 Here's a quarter pound. Thank you. 109 00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:21,720 Holy shit. 110 00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:25,724 That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed. 111 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,160 That is fuckin' beautiful. 112 00:04:27,378 --> 00:04:28,292 Sheila... 113 00:04:29,075 --> 00:04:30,294 thanks for being my first time. 114 00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:32,513 Please don't say that. 115 00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:35,647 I don't know why I lied to you. I have had diarrhea. 116 00:04:36,213 --> 00:04:37,170 Okay. 117 00:04:37,388 --> 00:04:38,476 And within the hour. 118 00:04:38,693 --> 00:04:40,260 Enjoy your buzz. 119 00:04:45,613 --> 00:04:47,746 You will never not be a virgin. 120 00:04:51,402 --> 00:04:53,186 I don't, I don't ever think 121 00:04:53,404 --> 00:04:55,493 I've been this high before. 122 00:04:55,493 --> 00:04:57,277 Do I have human feet right now? 123 00:04:57,495 --> 00:04:59,497 I feel like I have human feet. 124 00:04:59,714 --> 00:05:01,194 Oh, no. 125 00:05:01,412 --> 00:05:02,804 What do human feet feel like? 126 00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:04,850 Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask someone. 127 00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:07,287 Hey, boys. 128 00:05:08,070 --> 00:05:09,942 Mom, what are you doing here? 129 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,030 Show me your feet. 130 00:05:11,204 --> 00:05:12,727 It's such a beautiful day. 131 00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:15,295 I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, 132 00:05:15,295 --> 00:05:17,254 we could go to the mall and I could get you 133 00:05:17,471 --> 00:05:20,082 some graduation underwear. 134 00:05:20,257 --> 00:05:23,216 Underwear? It goes over your butt. 135 00:05:23,434 --> 00:05:25,827 And maybe afterward, we can go to Sears 136 00:05:26,045 --> 00:05:27,699 and get our portraits made. 137 00:05:27,916 --> 00:05:29,527 Show me your fuckin' feet! 138 00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:36,273 So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind 139 00:05:36,273 --> 00:05:37,839 of underwear you should get. 140 00:05:38,057 --> 00:05:41,234 And I believe a boy's underwear should match his father's. 141 00:05:42,192 --> 00:05:43,454 But then I prayed about it. 142 00:05:43,454 --> 00:05:45,717 And if you want to try something different, 143 00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:47,545 I think it'd be okay. 144 00:05:49,024 --> 00:05:50,809 Fuck, you're so soft. 145 00:05:52,289 --> 00:05:53,507 Have you always been this soft? 146 00:05:53,725 --> 00:05:55,857 Yeah. I'm a fuckin' teddy bear, dude. 147 00:05:56,554 --> 00:06:00,210 Oh, I'm a fuckin' teddy bear. 148 00:06:00,384 --> 00:06:01,385 What was that? 149 00:06:02,168 --> 00:06:04,126 Oh, my God! Are we on fire? 150 00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:08,261 Uh, it's okay, boys. It's just a policeman. 151 00:06:08,479 --> 00:06:09,871 Fuck! We got all this weed. 152 00:06:10,089 --> 00:06:12,178 Maybe he's not a cop. Maybe he's a stripper. 153 00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:13,440 Oh, yeah. 154 00:06:13,658 --> 00:06:15,312 'Cause sometimes they dress up like cops. 155 00:06:15,529 --> 00:06:17,314 If he says you have the right to remain sexy, 156 00:06:17,531 --> 00:06:18,880 we're in the clear. 157 00:06:36,333 --> 00:06:37,551 Good afternoon, ma'am. 158 00:06:38,291 --> 00:06:39,466 Can I see your license and registration? 159 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,294 Touch his dick and see how he reacts. 160 00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,469 Oh, of course. 161 00:06:43,514 --> 00:06:45,167 Is something wrong, officer? 162 00:06:45,342 --> 00:06:46,821 You're aware that your left brake light's out? 163 00:06:47,039 --> 00:06:49,302 Oh, dear. 164 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,218 My husband usually takes care of these things, 165 00:06:52,392 --> 00:06:54,612 but he's been having solid urines. 166 00:06:54,829 --> 00:06:57,005 Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. 167 00:06:57,441 --> 00:06:59,312 - Excuse me? - Yeah, I know our rights. 168 00:06:59,530 --> 00:07:01,314 And you ain't got no right to search this car 169 00:07:01,532 --> 00:07:04,230 or this pocket of this backpack without a warrant. 170 00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:06,014 Well, that's not at all suspicious. 171 00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:07,886 Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you 172 00:07:08,234 --> 00:07:09,714 pullin' over a law-abiding family 173 00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:11,411 on their way to buy clean underwear 174 00:07:11,629 --> 00:07:13,544 with absolutely no drugs of any kind anywhere 175 00:07:13,761 --> 00:07:15,372 in the car or on their persons. 176 00:07:15,372 --> 00:07:17,025 Okay, everyone step out of the car. 177 00:07:17,591 --> 00:07:18,940 Fuck. 178 00:07:28,254 --> 00:07:29,603 Mom, I gotta tell you something. 179 00:07:29,821 --> 00:07:31,344 What is it, honey? 180 00:07:31,562 --> 00:07:32,911 I'm holding. 181 00:07:33,128 --> 00:07:35,957 Oh. Well, try to hold it as long as you can. 182 00:07:36,175 --> 00:07:37,611 And then I can take you to the ladies' room 183 00:07:37,829 --> 00:07:38,743 when we get to the mall 184 00:07:38,743 --> 00:07:40,397 so you can do your doo-doos. 185 00:07:40,614 --> 00:07:42,486 No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack. 186 00:07:42,486 --> 00:07:44,096 I bought it after school. 187 00:07:45,010 --> 00:07:46,228 - What? - I know, 188 00:07:46,403 --> 00:07:48,448 I know, I'm stupid, and-and I'm sorry. 189 00:07:49,144 --> 00:07:51,277 Oh, Johnny... 190 00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:53,410 you're 18 now. 191 00:07:54,498 --> 00:07:56,064 You could get the chair. 192 00:07:56,674 --> 00:07:57,501 What do we have here? 193 00:07:58,415 --> 00:07:59,459 Whose is this? 194 00:08:00,504 --> 00:08:02,375 - It's... - Mine. 195 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:04,377 It's mine. 196 00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:05,857 John and Ted: What? - Yours? 197 00:08:06,074 --> 00:08:08,294 I am hooked on the junk, officer! 198 00:08:08,468 --> 00:08:09,339 Mom, what are you doing? 199 00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:12,298 I eat it and I shoot it, 200 00:08:12,472 --> 00:08:14,474 and I take it in all the ways. 201 00:08:14,692 --> 00:08:18,130 And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned. 202 00:08:18,478 --> 00:08:19,566 Fuckin' hippies. 203 00:08:20,437 --> 00:08:21,481 Turn around. 204 00:08:23,614 --> 00:08:25,442 Hey, I know her rights! 205 00:08:25,442 --> 00:08:26,791 Oh, yeah? What are they? 206 00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:28,009 Aw, fuck. 207 00:08:33,537 --> 00:08:36,148 Boys, there's some emergency ziti in the freezer, 208 00:08:36,366 --> 00:08:37,802 and a Stouffer's in the basement. 209 00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:38,803 Watch your head. 210 00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:54,862 - He took Mom. - He took our weed! 211 00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:58,431 A-and he-- And he took Susan as well. Oh! 212 00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:00,868 commentator: Oh, no! 213 00:09:02,217 --> 00:09:03,610 You can't do that to Bret Hart, 214 00:09:03,828 --> 00:09:06,439 you big, fat foreigner! 215 00:09:09,529 --> 00:09:11,705 Where the hell have you been? Where's your mother? 216 00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:12,880 Matty... 217 00:09:14,534 --> 00:09:16,014 ...let's talk. 218 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,364 Matty: What the fuck?! 219 00:09:19,539 --> 00:09:21,280 Run, Johnny! Stay alive! 220 00:09:21,454 --> 00:09:23,456 No matter what happens, I will find you. 221 00:09:23,674 --> 00:09:24,718 Get the fuck back here! 222 00:09:24,936 --> 00:09:26,285 Oh, jeez. 223 00:09:27,678 --> 00:09:28,983 Ah, fuck! 224 00:09:30,507 --> 00:09:32,944 Stupid fucking moron! Bastards! 225 00:09:33,161 --> 00:09:35,512 Hey, hey, hey! What the fuck is going on here? 226 00:09:35,512 --> 00:09:37,470 These two dumbshits got caught with drugs 227 00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:39,472 and let Susan get arrested for it! 228 00:09:39,733 --> 00:09:40,778 What? 229 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:43,998 Is that true? both: Yeah. 230 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:45,565 Stupid fuckin' morons! 231 00:09:45,783 --> 00:09:46,784 Blaire: Bastards! 232 00:09:53,747 --> 00:09:55,183 I'll be right back. 233 00:09:55,836 --> 00:09:58,578 You stay here and write your confession, dipshit. 234 00:10:03,540 --> 00:10:05,542 - I can't do it. - Why not? 235 00:10:05,542 --> 00:10:07,587 I'm scared, Blaire. I can't go to jail. 236 00:10:07,805 --> 00:10:08,980 Oh, but you're perfectly fine 237 00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:10,721 with your mother going in your place? 238 00:10:10,938 --> 00:10:12,418 I swear to God, this is exactly 239 00:10:12,592 --> 00:10:13,550 what I was talking about last night 240 00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:14,986 on fucking steroids. 241 00:10:15,203 --> 00:10:16,596 Susan does everything for this family, 242 00:10:16,814 --> 00:10:18,032 and nobody ever does shit for her. 243 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:19,686 Well, look at this face, Blaire. 244 00:10:19,904 --> 00:10:21,819 Look at his mouth. It's so youthful. 245 00:10:22,036 --> 00:10:24,386 If he goes to prison, it's gonna be filled with dicks. 246 00:10:24,561 --> 00:10:26,519 And how does a mouth full of dicks help Susan? 247 00:10:26,737 --> 00:10:27,564 Oh, fuck you guys. 248 00:10:32,656 --> 00:10:34,048 A mouth full of dicks? 249 00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:35,572 I was exaggerating for effect. 250 00:10:35,789 --> 00:10:37,530 It'll probably just be one or two dicks... 251 00:10:38,749 --> 00:10:40,272 but they'll be big ones, Johnny. 252 00:10:41,839 --> 00:10:42,709 Yes, they will. 253 00:10:53,677 --> 00:10:55,592 Hey. How you doin'? 254 00:10:55,592 --> 00:10:58,595 Oh. I'm fine, Matty. 255 00:10:59,683 --> 00:11:01,641 Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti? 256 00:11:01,859 --> 00:11:03,382 Don't you fuckin' worry. 257 00:11:03,382 --> 00:11:05,602 Johnny's gonna confess, and you'll be home by tonight. 258 00:11:05,602 --> 00:11:08,648 No, Matty, don't make him do that. 259 00:11:08,866 --> 00:11:10,563 It was my choice. 260 00:11:10,781 --> 00:11:11,564 What? 261 00:11:11,782 --> 00:11:13,653 Johnny's 18 now. 262 00:11:13,871 --> 00:11:16,569 He's just startin' his life. 263 00:11:16,787 --> 00:11:18,832 This could ruin his future. 264 00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:21,313 It could keep him from going to college. 265 00:11:21,531 --> 00:11:24,664 It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang. 266 00:11:24,882 --> 00:11:26,579 But they were his drugs. 267 00:11:26,797 --> 00:11:28,102 He's gotta learn responsibility. 268 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,539 Not like this. 269 00:11:30,844 --> 00:11:32,629 Promise me you won't make him. 270 00:11:32,846 --> 00:11:34,152 Susan. 271 00:11:37,242 --> 00:11:38,199 Fine. 272 00:11:38,417 --> 00:11:40,680 Besides, it's my first offense. 273 00:11:40,898 --> 00:11:43,770 I'm sure they'll go easy on me. 274 00:11:43,988 --> 00:11:46,773 I sentence you to 20 years in state prison. 275 00:11:47,992 --> 00:11:49,471 Next case. 276 00:11:49,863 --> 00:11:53,214 Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett. 277 00:11:53,432 --> 00:11:54,694 Possession of marijuana. 278 00:11:54,912 --> 00:11:56,609 - Dun-dun! - Stop doing that. 279 00:11:56,827 --> 00:11:58,263 It's a courtroom, Blaire, I have to. 280 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,657 It's the law. And order. 281 00:12:00,874 --> 00:12:01,658 Dun-dun! 282 00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:02,746 Ow, fuck! 283 00:12:04,922 --> 00:12:06,184 Dun-dun. 284 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,620 judge: Mrs. Bennett, you're charged 285 00:12:07,838 --> 00:12:08,665 with possession of marijuana. 286 00:12:08,882 --> 00:12:09,753 How do you plead? 287 00:12:10,754 --> 00:12:12,538 I cannot lie, Your Honor, 288 00:12:13,670 --> 00:12:15,976 I plead... guilty. 289 00:12:16,629 --> 00:12:18,762 Well, thank you for your honesty. 290 00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:22,635 Since this is your first offense and you seem to be a nice lady, 291 00:12:22,853 --> 00:12:24,202 I'm going to be lenient. 292 00:12:24,898 --> 00:12:27,031 I sentence you to ten days in the county jail. 293 00:12:27,248 --> 00:12:28,510 - Ten days? - What the fuck? 294 00:12:28,510 --> 00:12:29,947 Jesus Christ! judge: Court is adjourned. 295 00:12:31,992 --> 00:12:33,167 Dun-dun! 296 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:34,647 Ah, I like you! 297 00:13:12,511 --> 00:13:14,644 Who the fuck are you? 298 00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:17,559 Hi. I'm Susan Bennett. 299 00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:19,561 I'm your new roommate. 300 00:13:24,175 --> 00:13:27,482 This is a nice place you have here. 301 00:13:27,657 --> 00:13:28,570 What's your name? 302 00:13:28,745 --> 00:13:29,920 Bitch Killer. 303 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,184 Oh, well. Rhymes with Mitch Miller. 304 00:13:33,663 --> 00:13:35,839 The fuck? Why are you here? 305 00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:37,971 Oh, I-I did a very bad thing. 306 00:13:37,971 --> 00:13:39,843 Did you kill a bitch or somethin'? 307 00:13:40,757 --> 00:13:42,933 - Marriage-wana. - No shit. 308 00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:44,848 Oh, no. None at all. 309 00:13:46,197 --> 00:13:47,415 Why are you here? 310 00:13:47,415 --> 00:13:49,200 'Cause the fuckin' system's corrupt. 311 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,158 I ain't do shit. I'm innocent. 312 00:13:51,158 --> 00:13:53,160 Oh, no. 313 00:13:53,378 --> 00:13:55,119 Have you said anything to anyone? 314 00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:57,034 We should let 'em know. 315 00:13:57,251 --> 00:13:59,340 Guard, this woman's innocent. 316 00:13:59,558 --> 00:14:00,472 - Shut the fuck up... - Guard! 317 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:01,908 ...and mind your own business. 318 00:14:02,126 --> 00:14:03,257 We ain't friends. 319 00:14:03,693 --> 00:14:05,172 We aren't friends. 320 00:14:06,565 --> 00:14:08,959 But I bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be. 321 00:14:10,787 --> 00:14:12,397 Are you threatening me? 322 00:14:12,614 --> 00:14:14,138 I am Cornholio. 323 00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:15,835 Come on, Beavis, take your seat. 324 00:14:17,228 --> 00:14:19,621 What the fuck is goin' on in here? 325 00:14:19,796 --> 00:14:20,927 We're just watchin' TV. 326 00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:23,190 You two ain't watching shit. 327 00:14:23,408 --> 00:14:25,802 If your mother's in jail, you're in jail. 328 00:14:25,802 --> 00:14:27,194 - What does that mean? - It means 329 00:14:27,412 --> 00:14:29,893 you guys are gonna clean the goddamn house. 330 00:14:30,110 --> 00:14:31,721 You're gonna do the laundry, you're gonna do 331 00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:33,897 the fucking dishes, and you're gonna cook all the meals. 332 00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:35,289 So get ready for fuckin' hell. 333 00:14:35,289 --> 00:14:37,117 Isn't that just Susan's daily routine? 334 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,728 You're goddamn right it is. 335 00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:40,947 And that's their punishment. So get started. 336 00:14:41,252 --> 00:14:42,296 Okay. 337 00:14:43,036 --> 00:14:44,298 Okay. We got this. 338 00:14:44,298 --> 00:14:46,213 It's housekeeping. How hard can it be? 339 00:14:46,431 --> 00:14:48,738 Yeah. Yeah, even the name sounds like a game. 340 00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:50,217 Housekeepin'. 341 00:14:50,217 --> 00:14:52,567 You idiots have no idea what you're talking about. 342 00:14:52,742 --> 00:14:54,221 Oh, yeah? Watch this. 343 00:14:57,137 --> 00:14:59,313 See that? I just kept house. 344 00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:00,532 I'm a housekeeper. 345 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:01,576 Yeah, and look at me. 346 00:15:01,576 --> 00:15:02,926 I'm Betty fuckin' Crocker. 347 00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:05,755 You know what? I stand corrected. 348 00:15:05,929 --> 00:15:06,930 You guys got this. 349 00:15:07,147 --> 00:15:08,540 Good luck. 350 00:15:09,193 --> 00:15:10,977 All right, I'm gonna dust you, then you dust me. 351 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:11,935 Right. 352 00:15:26,732 --> 00:15:28,560 May I join you ladies? 353 00:15:33,043 --> 00:15:36,829 I'm Susan. I'm bunking with Miss Killer. 354 00:15:37,482 --> 00:15:38,831 What are your names? 355 00:15:39,049 --> 00:15:39,963 Eat a cock. 356 00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:41,181 How about you? 357 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,617 I'm FedEx. 358 00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:45,055 That's Sixty-Nine. That's Gungina. 359 00:15:45,272 --> 00:15:47,492 Men die if they get in my crosshairs. 360 00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:50,800 Oh, these are such interesting names. 361 00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:52,976 Why do they call you FedEx? 362 00:15:53,193 --> 00:15:55,065 'Cause I can get you anything within 24 hours. 363 00:15:55,282 --> 00:15:56,240 Oh. 364 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,632 As long as it fits up my ass. 365 00:15:57,807 --> 00:15:58,895 Oh. 366 00:15:59,809 --> 00:16:01,158 What are you ladies talking about? 367 00:16:01,375 --> 00:16:02,724 The fuckin' food here. 368 00:16:02,724 --> 00:16:04,552 I wouldn't feed this shit to my fuckin' dog. 369 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,120 I knew a dog once that liked soup. 370 00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:10,732 Isn't that silly? 371 00:16:10,907 --> 00:16:13,387 He belonged to our nextdoor neighbors, 372 00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:15,476 and he was such a sweet, sweet boy. 373 00:16:15,694 --> 00:16:17,261 But then he attacked a toddler, 374 00:16:17,478 --> 00:16:19,089 and they had to put a muzzle on him. 375 00:16:19,306 --> 00:16:21,178 But then he chewed through that muzzle 376 00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:23,006 and attacked another toddler. 377 00:16:23,223 --> 00:16:26,009 And then the church had to move him to another area. 378 00:16:26,923 --> 00:16:29,186 Oh, no, wait, that was Father O'Brien. 379 00:16:31,144 --> 00:16:34,278 Sixty-Nine. What does that name mean? 380 00:16:34,495 --> 00:16:37,629 Listen, ho, if you talk too much around here, you get cut. 381 00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:40,153 So if I were you, I'd shut my motherfuckin' mouth. 382 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,510 I don't understand. 383 00:16:49,728 --> 00:16:51,208 All this shit, and somehow all we made 384 00:16:51,425 --> 00:16:52,557 was one boiled egg. 385 00:16:52,818 --> 00:16:54,037 I don't even know if it's any good. 386 00:16:54,907 --> 00:16:56,909 Wait. It's after noon. That's a gay egg. 387 00:16:58,258 --> 00:16:59,520 Shit. 388 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:00,913 Now I'm thinkin' about John Stamos pushin' 389 00:17:01,131 --> 00:17:02,610 a lawn mower shirtless. 390 00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:04,351 Matty: What the fuck are you idiots doing in there? 391 00:17:04,569 --> 00:17:06,310 Where's dinner? - It's almost ready. 392 00:17:06,745 --> 00:17:08,355 Okay, we gotta think of something. 393 00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:09,879 Mom normally goes to the store on Saturday, 394 00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,010 so there ain't much here. 395 00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:12,359 Okay, uh, we got Slim Jims, 396 00:17:12,577 --> 00:17:14,144 white bread, shredded cheese, 397 00:17:14,361 --> 00:17:15,754 and a shit ton of condiments. 398 00:17:15,754 --> 00:17:17,016 I got an idea. 399 00:17:21,847 --> 00:17:22,630 Okay. 400 00:17:24,110 --> 00:17:25,198 Gourmet hot dogs. 401 00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:29,246 What the hell is this? 402 00:17:29,463 --> 00:17:30,377 What do you mean? It's dinner. 403 00:17:30,769 --> 00:17:32,162 This pile of shit is dinner? 404 00:17:32,379 --> 00:17:34,599 We call it the frankfurther. 405 00:17:34,816 --> 00:17:37,907 We've taken the hot dog into the radical '90s. 406 00:17:38,081 --> 00:17:39,169 both: Whoa! 407 00:17:39,386 --> 00:17:40,648 Surf's up. 408 00:17:41,649 --> 00:17:44,087 What? I ain't eatin' that shit. 409 00:17:44,304 --> 00:17:45,349 Unbelievable. 410 00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:46,524 We slave away in there, 411 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,091 we make you a delicious meal, 412 00:17:48,308 --> 00:17:50,702 we drop it on the floor, pick it up, and rinse it off, 413 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,356 and this is the thanks we get. 414 00:17:52,573 --> 00:17:54,836 You know, I knew you two would fuck this up. 415 00:17:55,011 --> 00:17:56,534 Fuck it. 416 00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,058 I'll go to the grocery store, and I'll do it myself. 417 00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:04,107 Can I get some goddamn help here? 418 00:18:06,196 --> 00:18:08,241 Where's the fuckin' dinner aisle? 419 00:18:10,461 --> 00:18:12,985 This box has a picture of what I want. 420 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:19,861 inmate: Hey, hey, hey! 421 00:18:20,340 --> 00:18:21,602 Ah, fuck! 422 00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,126 Bitch Killer: This is fucking bullshit! 423 00:18:23,343 --> 00:18:25,606 - What's goin' on? - Surprise inspection. 424 00:18:26,216 --> 00:18:28,870 Motherfucker! My bunk's a mess. 425 00:18:29,045 --> 00:18:30,176 I'm gonna get written up again 426 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:31,438 and lose my watercolor privileges. 427 00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:33,310 Bitch Killer, get in here! 428 00:18:33,527 --> 00:18:35,355 Shit! 429 00:18:38,445 --> 00:18:41,883 This is the cleanest bunk I have ever seen. 430 00:18:42,058 --> 00:18:44,147 What the fuck? 431 00:18:44,364 --> 00:18:45,409 What's that smell? 432 00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:46,976 It's potpourri. 433 00:18:47,802 --> 00:18:50,196 I made it with the dried flowers from the memorial 434 00:18:50,414 --> 00:18:53,156 for that lady who was stabbed in the shower the other day. 435 00:18:53,373 --> 00:18:54,722 Well, it's lovely. 436 00:18:55,462 --> 00:18:57,551 Congratulations, Bitch Killer. 437 00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,553 You passed inspection for once. 438 00:19:00,424 --> 00:19:02,513 But I got my eye on you. 439 00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:07,909 You did this? 440 00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:08,910 Yeah. 441 00:19:09,085 --> 00:19:10,390 Why? 442 00:19:10,390 --> 00:19:12,653 Oh, I'm so used to picking up Johnny's room. 443 00:19:12,871 --> 00:19:14,177 It was easy. 444 00:19:14,394 --> 00:19:15,613 Also... 445 00:19:17,223 --> 00:19:20,444 I made you some slippers out of maxi pads. 446 00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:22,489 How'd you know my size? 447 00:19:22,707 --> 00:19:24,274 The slippers or the maxi pads? 448 00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:25,710 Good lookin' out. 449 00:19:25,927 --> 00:19:28,887 Oh, I don't know what that means. 450 00:19:33,283 --> 00:19:36,590 announcer: The Family Feud! 451 00:19:38,462 --> 00:19:40,029 Teddy, dryer's done. 452 00:19:40,246 --> 00:19:42,814 announcer: Richard Dawson! 453 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,034 Teddy? 454 00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:55,218 Jesus Christ! 455 00:19:55,435 --> 00:19:56,393 Teddy, what happened? 456 00:19:56,393 --> 00:19:57,611 Next time you start that thing, 457 00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:59,091 fuckin' knock first. 458 00:19:59,309 --> 00:20:00,875 Hey, what the fuck is goin' on 459 00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:02,225 with the laundry, huh? 460 00:20:02,442 --> 00:20:03,878 Everything I own is too small, 461 00:20:04,053 --> 00:20:05,228 and I can't find my underwear. 462 00:20:05,445 --> 00:20:06,490 Oh, yeah. We threw 'em out. 463 00:20:06,707 --> 00:20:08,057 What? Why? 464 00:20:08,231 --> 00:20:09,797 'Cause they were covered in skid marks. 465 00:20:09,797 --> 00:20:12,278 Well, I-I can't go to work without any underwear on. 466 00:20:12,496 --> 00:20:14,541 The guys will bust my fuckin' chops all day. 467 00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:17,327 How, how will they know you're not wearin' underwear? 468 00:20:17,544 --> 00:20:18,632 Don't play dumb. 469 00:20:18,632 --> 00:20:19,851 Well, what do you want us to do? 470 00:20:20,069 --> 00:20:21,548 Go dig 'em out of the fuckin' trash 471 00:20:21,766 --> 00:20:23,246 and put some Wite-Out on 'em. 472 00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:25,552 Go! - Goddammit! 473 00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:26,727 We're on it. We're fuckin' goin'! 474 00:20:40,959 --> 00:20:42,569 Hello, ladies. 475 00:20:42,787 --> 00:20:44,441 What the fuck you doin' back there? 476 00:20:44,658 --> 00:20:46,660 Well, you were saying you didn't like the food. 477 00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:48,140 So I talked to the warden, 478 00:20:48,358 --> 00:20:49,620 I made a few suggestions, 479 00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:52,275 and she put me in charge of the kitchen. 480 00:20:52,492 --> 00:20:53,580 Is that meatloaf? 481 00:20:53,798 --> 00:20:55,626 Yeah. Would you like to try it? 482 00:21:00,152 --> 00:21:02,502 Oh, my God, that's fuckin' great. 483 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,114 It reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf. 484 00:21:05,288 --> 00:21:07,812 I used pigeon eggs... and some pigeon, 485 00:21:08,029 --> 00:21:10,293 but I think it turned out okay. 486 00:21:10,510 --> 00:21:11,468 Hey. 487 00:21:11,468 --> 00:21:13,557 The fuck you want, Half Foot? 488 00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:17,343 Half Foot? What a cute name. 489 00:21:17,561 --> 00:21:19,345 Is it because you're short? 490 00:21:19,563 --> 00:21:21,130 Not that it's any of your fucking business, 491 00:21:21,347 --> 00:21:22,479 but yeah. 492 00:21:22,479 --> 00:21:23,567 And also because I lost half my foot 493 00:21:23,784 --> 00:21:24,394 in a shovel fight. 494 00:21:24,611 --> 00:21:26,309 Oh, dear. 495 00:21:27,092 --> 00:21:29,486 Well, at least you don't have to trim your toenails. 496 00:21:29,703 --> 00:21:30,965 It's not that half of the foot. 497 00:21:31,140 --> 00:21:32,271 Oh. 498 00:21:32,271 --> 00:21:34,186 I was kitchen bitch until yesterday. 499 00:21:34,404 --> 00:21:35,753 You stole my fuckin' job. 500 00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:37,320 They put me down in the motherfuckin' laundry. 501 00:21:37,537 --> 00:21:38,712 Oh, I'm sorry. 502 00:21:38,712 --> 00:21:41,324 I-I didn't mean to take anyone's job. 503 00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:43,326 I was just trying to make the food better. 504 00:21:43,543 --> 00:21:46,067 Oh, so my food was shit? Is that what you're saying? 505 00:21:47,852 --> 00:21:49,288 You're dead meat. 506 00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,338 Susan: Sixty-Nine? 507 00:21:55,555 --> 00:21:57,470 I could use a hug right now. 508 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,698 Why the fuck do I got to know how to read? 509 00:22:07,915 --> 00:22:09,090 My mom couldn't read, 510 00:22:09,090 --> 00:22:10,353 and she made bank from giving head. 511 00:22:10,570 --> 00:22:13,182 Aww, reading's wonderful for your head. 512 00:22:13,356 --> 00:22:15,575 And it's not hard to learn at all. 513 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:18,796 Now, I borrowed this from the jail library. 514 00:22:19,013 --> 00:22:20,885 The Very Hungry Caterpillar. 515 00:22:21,668 --> 00:22:23,366 You think you've been naughty? 516 00:22:23,583 --> 00:22:25,846 Wait till you see what he gets up to. 517 00:22:26,064 --> 00:22:27,718 The fuck is all this shit? 518 00:22:27,935 --> 00:22:29,589 Oh, hi, Half Foot. 519 00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:32,723 I was just teaching Gungina how to read. 520 00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:35,160 Would you like me to teach you how to read too? 521 00:22:35,334 --> 00:22:37,554 What? First you steal my fuckin' job, 522 00:22:37,771 --> 00:22:39,338 now you calling me fuckin' illiterate? 523 00:22:40,513 --> 00:22:42,559 How would you like half a foot in your ass? 524 00:22:42,776 --> 00:22:44,213 Is there a problem here? 525 00:22:44,909 --> 00:22:47,259 No. No problem. 526 00:22:48,652 --> 00:22:49,957 I'll be seeing you, Susan. 527 00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:51,655 Okay. 528 00:22:52,308 --> 00:22:53,439 Bye-bye. 529 00:22:54,701 --> 00:22:56,355 Oh! Excuse me, guard? 530 00:22:56,573 --> 00:22:57,530 What? 531 00:22:57,530 --> 00:22:59,576 What are the plans for Easter? 532 00:22:59,793 --> 00:23:02,579 - Easter? - Well, it's this Sunday. 533 00:23:02,796 --> 00:23:04,798 I imagine the warden's providing the baskets, 534 00:23:05,016 --> 00:23:08,454 but who do I talk to about getting 700 colored eggs? 535 00:23:08,672 --> 00:23:11,588 This is jail. There ain't no plans for Easter. 536 00:23:11,805 --> 00:23:13,720 But it's Jesus' big day. 537 00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:16,810 How will he know we care if we don't hide eggs? 538 00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,248 Not my problem. 539 00:23:22,338 --> 00:23:25,732 Oh, Gungina, that's not what those holes are for. 540 00:23:31,695 --> 00:23:34,611 Goddamn. How'd this happen so fast? 541 00:23:35,089 --> 00:23:37,918 Dude, this is, uh... Do you use this sock for, uh... 542 00:23:38,136 --> 00:23:40,617 - Lovemakin'. Yes. - Yeah. 543 00:23:40,834 --> 00:23:42,619 Yeah, it usually gets washed before it gets like that. 544 00:23:44,795 --> 00:23:46,840 Well, guess we should change the sheets. 545 00:23:47,058 --> 00:23:47,928 Yeah. 546 00:23:59,462 --> 00:24:00,941 Anything else covered in dried cum 547 00:24:01,159 --> 00:24:02,639 that I should know about? 548 00:24:06,164 --> 00:24:07,905 So I said, "Oh, yeah, motherfucker?" 549 00:24:08,122 --> 00:24:10,908 and I cut half his dick off. 550 00:24:11,125 --> 00:24:12,910 - Oh. - Which half? 551 00:24:13,127 --> 00:24:14,912 The left half. 552 00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:18,742 What are you laughin' at? 553 00:24:19,699 --> 00:24:20,961 Is it me? 554 00:24:21,658 --> 00:24:24,835 Is it my body? Are you laughin' at my body? 555 00:24:25,052 --> 00:24:27,968 Chill out, cracker. This ain't got nothin' to do with you. 556 00:24:28,186 --> 00:24:30,362 What did you just call me, inmate? 557 00:24:31,972 --> 00:24:33,713 You lookin' for trouble, Bitch Killer? 558 00:24:33,931 --> 00:24:36,194 Excuse me. Can I say something? 559 00:24:38,196 --> 00:24:41,199 I don't think you ladies understand just how difficult 560 00:24:41,373 --> 00:24:43,157 a job Mrs. Guard has. 561 00:24:43,332 --> 00:24:44,855 Are you takin' her fuckin' side? 562 00:24:44,855 --> 00:24:48,075 Well, I saw on 60 Minutes that prison guards have 563 00:24:48,293 --> 00:24:49,860 a very, very hard job. 564 00:24:50,469 --> 00:24:52,732 They put their lives at risk every day. 565 00:24:52,950 --> 00:24:56,083 They only make about $24,000 a year. 566 00:24:56,606 --> 00:24:58,347 Plus, they have to buy their own gun, 567 00:24:58,521 --> 00:25:01,175 which many of them use to kill themselves. 568 00:25:01,350 --> 00:25:02,568 Or our spouses. 569 00:25:02,786 --> 00:25:04,918 They're real people, just like us. 570 00:25:05,136 --> 00:25:06,703 Thank you, Susan. 571 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,182 That means a lot. 572 00:25:08,182 --> 00:25:11,272 And I think you have a wonderful body. 573 00:25:13,449 --> 00:25:15,059 I need to go call my mother. 574 00:25:26,375 --> 00:25:27,941 Kitt: Michael, are you sure you know what you're doing? 575 00:25:37,951 --> 00:25:39,083 Is that your wedding tux? 576 00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:40,693 It's the only thing that's clean. 577 00:25:41,302 --> 00:25:42,608 John: Aah. 578 00:25:42,826 --> 00:25:44,001 Ah, what is that a puddle of? 579 00:25:44,218 --> 00:25:45,568 You don't wanna know. Ted: Heads up. 580 00:25:45,785 --> 00:25:47,134 I'm gonna send down the trash. 581 00:25:53,140 --> 00:25:53,880 Boys... 582 00:25:55,273 --> 00:25:56,927 back in 'Nam, we learned 583 00:25:57,144 --> 00:25:59,059 when it's time to abandon your post. 584 00:26:00,104 --> 00:26:01,105 That time is now. 585 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:03,760 Hey, hey, hey, not that way. 586 00:26:03,977 --> 00:26:06,589 Jesus Christ, don't go near the fuckin' bees' nest. 587 00:26:06,806 --> 00:26:08,199 Well, how are we supposed to get out? 588 00:26:08,199 --> 00:26:10,070 There's a beaver dam blocking the kitchen door. 589 00:26:42,886 --> 00:26:45,497 Yo, what the fuck you doin' in my cell, bitch? 590 00:26:45,715 --> 00:26:47,804 Oh, hi, Half Foot. 591 00:26:48,021 --> 00:26:49,196 You just ran out of fuckin' time. 592 00:26:50,850 --> 00:26:51,938 Happy Easter. 593 00:26:52,461 --> 00:26:53,984 - What? - Easter is all about 594 00:26:54,201 --> 00:26:55,028 second chances. 595 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,684 Jesus got a second chance. 596 00:26:59,729 --> 00:27:01,948 I think our friendship deserves one too. 597 00:27:06,953 --> 00:27:08,433 Fruit By the Foot? 598 00:27:08,433 --> 00:27:10,827 Now you can have all the feet you could ever want. 599 00:27:13,917 --> 00:27:14,918 Thanks. 600 00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:16,093 Bitch Killer: Susan. 601 00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:18,225 You got us all Easter baskets? 602 00:27:18,443 --> 00:27:19,879 Oh, it was nothing. 603 00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:22,839 And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help. 604 00:27:23,056 --> 00:27:24,928 I got Peeps. Real Peeps. 605 00:27:25,145 --> 00:27:26,843 And a Cadbury Creme Egg! 606 00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:28,932 - Mine's empty. - Don't you worry. 607 00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:30,716 The candy's on its way. 608 00:27:31,761 --> 00:27:33,545 It's shipped but not delivered. 609 00:27:34,938 --> 00:27:36,374 Let's eat. 610 00:27:36,722 --> 00:27:40,509 ♪ What if God was one of us ♪ 611 00:27:41,901 --> 00:27:45,862 ♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪ 612 00:27:46,993 --> 00:27:50,562 ♪ Just a stranger on the bus ♪ 613 00:27:56,612 --> 00:27:58,875 Faster with that Wite-Out! Come on! Move! 614 00:27:59,092 --> 00:28:00,877 You're shittin' faster than we can paint. 615 00:28:01,094 --> 00:28:02,182 Jesus. 616 00:28:02,182 --> 00:28:03,836 Mom's job is really fuckin' hard. 617 00:28:04,358 --> 00:28:05,795 Blaire: Yeah. No shit. 618 00:28:06,273 --> 00:28:08,058 It's about time you ingrates figured that out. 619 00:28:08,275 --> 00:28:09,886 Sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow 620 00:28:10,103 --> 00:28:11,409 to the house looking like this. 621 00:28:11,583 --> 00:28:12,715 She deserves more. 622 00:28:12,932 --> 00:28:14,804 Yeah. She does. 623 00:28:15,239 --> 00:28:16,675 Hey, Blaire. 624 00:28:16,675 --> 00:28:19,156 If we promise to do better, will you help us put 625 00:28:19,373 --> 00:28:21,506 the house back together for Mom? 626 00:28:21,941 --> 00:28:23,552 Are you asking me because I'm a woman? 627 00:28:23,943 --> 00:28:27,599 No, I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here. 628 00:28:28,731 --> 00:28:30,907 Fine. Yeah, I'll do it. 629 00:28:31,255 --> 00:28:31,951 For Susan. 630 00:28:32,822 --> 00:28:33,997 Thanks, Blaire. 631 00:28:33,997 --> 00:28:35,912 Grab a brush. We're paintin' undies. 632 00:28:42,962 --> 00:28:44,094 Gonna miss you, Susan. 633 00:28:44,311 --> 00:28:48,098 Aw. I'm gonna miss you all so much. 634 00:28:48,315 --> 00:28:50,013 It ain't gonna be the same in here without you. 635 00:28:50,230 --> 00:28:52,929 My ass is full but so is my heart. 636 00:28:53,146 --> 00:28:54,234 Thanks for teaching me to read. 637 00:28:54,234 --> 00:28:57,760 From now on, my name is Bookgina. 638 00:28:57,977 --> 00:29:00,545 And I'ma keep watering my foot, just like you said. 639 00:29:00,719 --> 00:29:02,068 I know it'll grow back one day. 640 00:29:03,243 --> 00:29:05,158 Susan: Ah, Bitch Killer. 641 00:29:05,376 --> 00:29:07,770 Thank you for being the best roommate 642 00:29:07,987 --> 00:29:10,033 a girl could ever ask for. 643 00:29:10,381 --> 00:29:12,862 No, Susan, thank you. 644 00:29:13,776 --> 00:29:15,516 Uh, I got one more surprise for you. 645 00:29:15,995 --> 00:29:17,301 What is it? 646 00:29:18,998 --> 00:29:21,218 Oh, dear. 647 00:29:21,435 --> 00:29:23,176 I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink. 648 00:29:23,394 --> 00:29:26,136 It's so... big. 649 00:29:26,353 --> 00:29:27,572 She did it when we still hated you. 650 00:29:27,964 --> 00:29:29,356 Four bitches held me down in the shower. 651 00:29:30,096 --> 00:29:31,271 It's funny how things work out. 652 00:29:31,489 --> 00:29:33,534 God always has a plan. 653 00:29:34,492 --> 00:29:36,581 Goodbye, girls. 654 00:29:56,557 --> 00:29:57,602 John: Okay. 655 00:29:58,429 --> 00:29:59,996 That's a lot better. - Yeah. 656 00:30:01,737 --> 00:30:03,173 Mom! - Oh, my God! 657 00:30:03,390 --> 00:30:04,696 Hey, hey! 658 00:30:04,696 --> 00:30:06,306 Oh, we missed you. We missed you so much. 659 00:30:06,524 --> 00:30:07,481 Did they give you back the weed? 660 00:30:07,656 --> 00:30:11,007 Oh. Oh, my goodness. 661 00:30:11,224 --> 00:30:13,009 Did you have a party? 662 00:30:13,226 --> 00:30:16,577 This place is a mess. 663 00:30:19,058 --> 00:30:21,017 There. - Mom, we did our best, 664 00:30:21,234 --> 00:30:23,715 but we had no idea how hard your job is. 665 00:30:23,933 --> 00:30:25,325 Yeah, we took you for granted, 666 00:30:25,543 --> 00:30:27,110 and we promise it'll never happen again. 667 00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:29,895 That's right. You can make us meatloaf anytime you want. 668 00:30:30,113 --> 00:30:31,810 We won't say shit. - Yeah, anytime you wanna 669 00:30:32,028 --> 00:30:33,507 make meatloaf is good with us. 670 00:30:33,507 --> 00:30:35,118 - Even tonight would be okay. - Let's have it tonight. 671 00:30:35,335 --> 00:30:36,641 - Hurry. - Now! 672 00:30:36,641 --> 00:30:38,338 Jesus, she just walked in the fuckin' door. 673 00:30:38,556 --> 00:30:40,036 It's okay, Blaire. 674 00:30:40,253 --> 00:30:43,169 I'd love to make my family some meatloaf. 675 00:30:56,269 --> 00:30:57,618 Uh, hey, Mom. 676 00:30:58,619 --> 00:31:01,057 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything. 677 00:31:01,274 --> 00:31:02,536 And thank you. 678 00:31:02,536 --> 00:31:05,452 I almost ruined my life, and you saved me. 679 00:31:05,670 --> 00:31:07,716 Oh, Johnny. 680 00:31:07,890 --> 00:31:09,543 That's what growin' up's all about. 681 00:31:09,718 --> 00:31:13,330 Makin' mistakes and lettin' your mother fix it all. 682 00:31:13,547 --> 00:31:16,768 Well, that was our last one. No more mistakes for us. 683 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:21,730 You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside, 684 00:31:21,904 --> 00:31:25,734 I learned that everybody needs somebody to look out for them. 685 00:31:26,169 --> 00:31:27,387 I'm your mother. 686 00:31:27,953 --> 00:31:30,086 You don't have to thank me 687 00:31:30,303 --> 00:31:33,176 or appreciate me or even notice me. 688 00:31:33,393 --> 00:31:36,092 I'll always be right here. 689 00:31:37,136 --> 00:31:38,224 Always. 690 00:31:39,660 --> 00:31:41,706 I'm gonna die here, Johnny. 691 00:31:43,142 --> 00:31:44,230 Right here. 692 00:31:45,231 --> 00:31:46,102 Good. 693 00:31:47,146 --> 00:31:48,191 Why isn't it ready? 694 00:31:55,198 --> 00:31:59,680 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 695 00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:02,945 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 696 00:32:04,468 --> 00:32:07,906 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 697 00:32:08,472 --> 00:32:11,170 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 698 00:32:11,170 --> 00:32:14,217 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 699 00:32:14,217 --> 00:32:17,873 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 700 00:32:17,873 --> 00:32:19,439 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 701 00:32:19,439 --> 00:32:23,966 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 702 00:32:23,966 --> 00:32:26,142 ♪ Best friend is me ♪